Y’know how, when you’re about to ask for or be considered for a raise, you’re supposed to justify it? You’re supposed to make lists of accomplishments, tot up all the ways you’ve saved The Company money, prepare a spreadsheet of all the revenue you’ve generated?

Well, I’m not going to do that.

Instead, my plan (for the unscheduled day on which this performance review might happen in the unspecified future) is to say, “My contribution? I’ll tell you what my contribution was: I did not argue with my boss on Those Days In November when I learned that, not only were we not getting rid of the Bad Customer that was responsible for my losing the coveted Spam-Fighter Silver Star of Righteousness, but we were, in fact, giving them more network space and probably generating even more work for me. Remember that? Remember how I calmly said “ok” and went back to work, how I didn’t start shedding tears of rage and or throwing things? That’s gotta be worth ten percent, right there.”

I fully expect to be laughed at, but I’m well gonna say it.