knock me over with a feather

I have just gotten the shock of my life, you guys. If you were to tell me the sky was falling, I would be less shocked, totally not kidding.

A few weeks ago, we got one of those DNA tests for your dog, because we’ve always wondered what breeds Freya is, right? Quick swab of the cheek, send dog-spit to lab, chew fingernails for a couple weeks, get confirmation, go on with our lives.

Except in this case, the confirmation has just BLOWN MY FUCKING MIND.

So just to refresh your memory, this is our Miss Freya:

wee-girlie [click to embiggen] chomp [click to embiggen]  freya-goldeneyes [click to embiggen] Little Miss [click to embiggen]

She’s about 50lbs, sturdy, pointy ears, wee stub of a tail. She was listed at the pound as a German Shepherd mix, and we’ve always kind of run with that, because LOOK AT HER. Our vet tended to agree, and thought there might be some Corgi mixed in there, which we also kind of ran with, because CORGIS ARE ADORABLE. And that would be two herding breeds, which would account for her tendency to herd ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

So bearing this in mind, the test results tell us that the DNA test is “designed to consider all of the pedigree trees that are possible in the last three generations. The trees considered include a simple pedigree with a single breed (a likely pure-bred dog), two different breeds at the parental level (a first-generation cross), all the way up to a complex tree with eight different great-grandparent breeds allowed.

In the report, there are little “Mixed Breed” markers for the great grandparents, grandparents, and parents they can’t be quite as sure about, and then they list the top 5 breeds contending for those mixes, right? Basically, they’re all “We know for sure it’s a mix of these breeds, but there could also be some of these. See:

And do you know what those circles are covering? The weird breeds that are MELTING MY BRAIN WITH WEIRDNESS?

They are saying that Freya is a COCKER SPANIEL / CHINESE SHAR-PEI MIX crossed with COCKER SPANIEL MIX WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

No really. Where the … what the … I just don’t even.

For the mixed breeds, it breaks down like this, by “relative strength of each result”:

16.05% Border Collie
14.20% Chinook
5.06% Belgian Sheepdog
5.05% Alaskan Malamute
4.76% Boykin Spaniel

I just … what.

You guys. I know about the “infinite universes” theory, and it sounds like as reasonable a thing as any thing can be, but never, ever, ever, by any stretch of quantum theory, did I consider Cocker Fucking Spaniel or Shar-Are-You-Kidding-Me-Pei for Freya’s ancestry. I can see Border Collie, or sheepdog, or even the Chinook, because of her herding and working tendencies, but spaniel and shar-pei?

NEVER.

My one crumb of comfort is that one test can hardly be considered empirical. Therefore, our way forward is clear: We must find more dog-DNA tests and DO THEM ALL. Because I cannot just accept this without further proof.